we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
