The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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