Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
