I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
