Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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