I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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