I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
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