My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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