The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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