i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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