I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
