I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
