If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
