we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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