My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
