I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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