my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
