Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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