The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
