I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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