Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
