yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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