RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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