quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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