Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
