fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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