I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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