i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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