Where is the hickey?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He felt like a one man threesome
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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