Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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