You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
