You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
