theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
