I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You can't special order awesome
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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