when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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