Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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