I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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