HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
