did you get engaged???
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
