I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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