I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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