my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
