im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
