Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
