Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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