were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
