hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
