just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
