You're my little dorito
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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