I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
